Contradictions

Dr. K was not a fan of me going to the doctor so early--I was barely 4 weeks pregnant according to my August 22 cycle. I explained that I was very anxious given my health history and he finally agreed I could get confirmation and blood work, but gave explicit orders for no ultrasound. His argument was the pregnancy being so new (just implanted) and the balance in my body so fragile. I thought that was reasonable.

The next day was slightly awkward. I got my blood taken and when the RE came in to perform an ultrasound I told him I would not be getting one until 6 weeks. He wasn't pleased and assured me vaginal ultrasound doesn't cause miscarriage--they would never do anything to put a pregnancy at risk. I fully trusted and believed him too, but I stood my ground. There was no medical necessity to have one this soon unless they suspected an ectopic pregnancy (which would have other signs/symptoms).

The RE's nurse called later with my blood results. My hormones were within the recommended range but on the low end. They wanted me on supplements--progesterone and estrogen. Shocker, Dr. K didn't want me to take them. He reminded me how western medicine had dismissed my ability to get pregnant, and he thought my body would respond without synthetic/unnecessary medication. He was worried that adding outside hormones would disrupt systems and balance in my body. He said it could be hard on my kidney/liver and cause inflammation. Great. More contradictions and choosing sides.

In the next 24 hours, I consulted with my regular OB, my practitioner from The Clinic, and two family friends that are also OBs and trained in natural healing. The opinions continued to vary but the overall message was that hormones might not be necessary but also shouldn't hurt me/baby. My body was within range and might be able to sustain things on its own but I wanted to limit risk in case I did need the hormonal supplementation. I chose to take the progesterone and estrogen.

A miracle - Pregnant after POF

I was seeing Dr. K on a weekly basis. I went in for acupuncture treatment on September 22. Every time I saw him, Dr. K would ask about my cycle (if I had ovulated, had a period, how I felt, etc.) then look me over--examining my tongue and checking my pulse before needle treatment. He always told me my pulse read fast/strange due to my thyroid condition and medication. That day, he felt my pulse several times and at longer intervals. I asked if everything was ok and he said sheepishly, "You might be pregnant."

I'll admit my heart skipped a beat but I knew Dr. K--He was always overly optimistic and often joked with me. I told him he couldn't tease me about being pregnant and he just gave me a sly smile and shrug. We proceeded with treatment but it was a wasted session. My mind was going a thousand miles a minute--I couldn't even fathom the thought of being pregnant. I tried to keep my expectations low and talk to myself rationally. Remember the past 7-8 months, how many tests I had taken, what the doctors had said...but I couldn't wait to get home and pee on another stick.

Which is exactly what I did. Then 4 more. The test was positive. OMG.

There was no waiting to spill the beans or cutesy announcement. I sprinted into the living room and practically threw the test at my husband. "This says I'm pregnant. Do you think I'm pregnant? I don't believe it." I didn't believe it and if I did for a second I was terrified that it would go away. What about my hormone levels, what about the quality of my eggs?

It was 4:50pm when I took the test but I was fortunate to call my RE and get an appointment for the next day. My next call was to Dr. K who immediately advised me NOT to go to the doctor. Too late, I was going. I needed confirmation and direction. I trusted Dr. K but I couldn't ignore technology and modern medicine.

The rest of the afternoon was filled with frantic calls and texts to my closest family and friends. Everyone was shocked and cautiously excited.

Moving on

After my skipped cycle, I was doing a lot of soul searching. Most likely I was just bouncing around the stages of grief--from anger to denial to acceptance back to depression. I did have to admit though that something had likely happened with my body/ovaries and I couldn't fix it. I had a tearful visit with my practitioner at The Clinic and we decided to suspend our treatments. I continued taking their supplements but I only received acupuncture from Dr. K. I would continue seeing him until my Thanksgiving hormone deadline.

I had to truly consider my options...If I wanted to have another child, I had to look into adoption or donor eggs. I began preliminary research on both but felt confused and sad. I didn't know how either would fit into my existing family structure with one biological child and both options were very pricey. Or maybe our family truly was complete with one child. I felt stuck.

In the meantime, I had another period beginning on August 22. I was glad but not overly hopeful.

Aunt Flo - the ups and downs

To give some timeline perspective, my last cycle was November 27, 2014. I was diagnosed with POF in early March 2015. I began acupuncture with Dr. K immediately and with The Clinic in April 2015. Aunt Flo finally returned on May 13, 2015! From regular every month to a nearly six month dry spell. I was amazed and grateful to have my cycle back. I vowed to never again curse that time of month and always celebrate the fact that my body was alive (tell that to my 16 year old self, ha!). I had three cycles in a row--May 13, June 10, and July 2.

My goal every month was to try and get pregnant. Dr. K was on the same page but The Clinic warned me to give my body some time to recover. I think the big issue they worried about was the quality of eggs and my body's hormonal balance. They wanted to keep me from the heartbreak of miscarriage. Against caution, we tried. Before my period came back, since I never knew if I would just sporadically ovulate we tried consistently throughout the month. Once I had a cycle, I attempted to chart my BBT and we focused the trying on the two week window.

Nothing. But I was ok because at least I had a period which meant some chance. During this time, I had joined a support group at my church. A few of the ladies learned my story and encouraged me to go back to the RE. They thought since I had gotten a somewhat regular period back maybe I could be an IVF candidate. I made another appointment and we went to talk to my RE. He wasn't overly optimistic but intrigued and willing to test. It was Day 4 of my July 2nd cycle. My results came back: FSH of 60 and AMH of <0.015. A week later, my FSH was back over 100. No IVF option...still diagnosed ovarian failure.

It wasn't as tragic as the initial diagnosis but I was definitely disappointed. Here I thought I had made progress and I had a chance of getting pregnant, but according to the statistics and science it wasn't going to happen. I also did not get a period that month so I felt double let down. Back to menopause and facing reality. Even though he always had to deliver the bad news, my RE was very kind and supportive. He encouraged me to take time and grieve--he said if I chose to use donor eggs he was confident I could still carry a child. He knew I was trying alternative therapies but told me I ultimately had until Thanksgiving to get on hormones. Going through menopause so young would put me at increased risk for bone loss and heart problems.